Depression. Ugly word. Ugly thing.
It’s weird to feel depressed but not depressed enough to feel like its *real* depression because you know people that have dealt with much worse. Like I haven’t earned the diagnosis of depression because I don’t feel like slitting my wrists. I KNOW that’s wrong – depression comes in all shapes and sizes and colors. All levels of pain, apathy, anger and tears.
I liken it to what alcoholics new to AA probably feel like. “I’m a little messed up but not like THESE people. They’re 10 times worse than I am.” Maybe that’s true. Maybe you’re the one sitting around killing a 12 pack a night while the guy across the sharing circle in some musty church basement is going through 2 fifths AND a twelve pack a night. Maybe he lost control and went off the road somewhere while you stay home and don’t hurt anyone else. So you see, HE is the one with the REAL problem. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make you any less of an alcoholic. That’s the lessen I need to learn. That’s the reminder that I constantly need. I may not be as severely depressed as some but I still have a problem and I still need to work on it.
Sometimes explanations sound like excuses. Sometimes you can count your blessings and know how blessed you are and still not feel strong in your faith. Sometimes you want someone to tell you that is going to be all right and you want so badly to believe its true. Sometimes it sounds like pleasantries and makes you feel worse.
You live in a rainy world. Not the good quick thunderstorm that makes you want to curl up on the couch with a good book until it passes because it’s rare and special, finally giving you the chance to slow down for a minute. It’s not that. It’s the always hovering dark cloud. It’s the soggy muddy brown that takes over everything. It’s all encompassing.
Sometimes you feel a bit better. Sometimes you think you’re going to pull on those cute rain boots and make your way through no matter the weather. Sometimes the sun comes out just to cloud over again.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow is the promise I tell myself to get through. Tomorrow is the day I’m going to get up at a decent hour. Tomorrow is the night I go to bed a reasonable hour. Tomorrow is the day I find the energy to get out of bed for something other than stumbling to the bathroom or getting something to drink.
Things haven’t been easy. The past two years have been hard. Really fucking hard. Deaths in the family (the closest being my oldest brother), work issues (from being stuck doing what 3.5 full time people used to do to being terminated while on medical leave, which is just a WEE bit illegal), and on and on. Friends walking away because its too much, the brother I’m closest to relocating to the south with his wife and three kids – my three reasons for breathing.
Not all days are horrible, not all days are even BAD, but mostly I feel like I’ve spent the last six months simply existing. Living between disasters. Waiting for the proverbial “other shoe” to drop.
That’s not me. That’s not who I normally am. I’m one who appreciates the time I’ve been given, one who knows that days are limited and life is short. Carpe diem and all that jazz. I’ve had good days. A few weeks ago I was back downstate and got to spend time, individually, with a few good friends. That was so needed and so good my for soul. I spent a Sunday afternoon strolling around the streets of Detroit with the closest thing to a best friend I have left and I NEEDED that so badly. I’m sure being stuck 2.5 hours from those people doesn’t help me shake free of these feelings either.
Depression is something that runs on both sides of my family and up until my brother died two years ago, it wasn’t an issue I had to deal with. I knew the signs, the symptoms, the tells. It’s so easy to spot those in other people. It’s amazing how long you can overlook those same things in yourself.
I can log into twitter and make witty remarks and have great conversations and those things are real. I can lay in bed under the covers till 4:00 pm the next day and that’s just as real.
There’s no time limit on depression. No expression date. No “you’ve sucked up the whole summer by hiding in your parents’ cabin and rarely getting out of bed so your time is up.”
I’m slowly beginning to reemerge I think. At least, I think that today – right now in this moment, in this mood. Tomorrow? That promised tomorrow – I don’t know. I’ve started sending out resumes looking for a new job after being illegally terminated from my last one after 6.5 years. I can’t wallow forever and allow myself to get worse. Getting back out in the world has to be the first step. Plus the one prescription that I have found that helps is too expensive to get without insurance coverage so yay for motivation. Or something.
The point of all this? I’m not sure. I guess I felt the need to share in case anyone who may happen across this post needed to know they’re not alone. Sounds cheesy but sometimes you need that. I know I’ve randomly come across posts or books and have been floored at the perfect timing of it, so maybe that’s why I’m putting it all here. I don’t do this easily, I’m not one to show my faults or weaknesses easily. But if it helps me or helps someone else….I guess that makes it worth it.