Book “Review” Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James (Worst book ever? Maybe)

Fifty Shades of Grey

A case study in WTF IS WRONG WITH WOMEN???


I need to stop letting others pick books because honestly…

The fuck?

I don’t read much (read: basically zero) modern romance. Is this what is passing for contemporary romantic fiction? Abuse disguised as BDSM? Because that’s what this book was about. The worst part about this book is that it felt like fanfiction. Yes I know that’s basically what it is, I’m familiar with the history of how it came to be, but at no point did someone think “Hey, this isn’t professional level of writing, maybe it should be before we send it out into the world?” Anyone? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ANYONE? It felt a 16 year old girl with a copy of Penthouse forum letters got to publish a book on what she thinks hot sex is supposed to be.

I get that some of the more, ahem, colorful names and words were likely omitted for obvious reasons. But are we meant to believe that good writing includes only calling female genitalia “down there…” or just “there.” Or that a characters catch phrase (she said it enough that it felt like a catch phrase) is “Holy fuck!” ??? Is that the best you got, EL James?

The female lead, Anastasia… what can we say about Bella Anastasia? Easily manipulated much, Ana? Need a good hug much, Ana? Possibly some minor schizophrenia issues, Ana? I was so annoyed with everything about this character.

I have a good relationship with my dad and don’t look to men to tell me it’s all going to be ok. Maybe that’s part of the reason I was so annoyed. “I want to hurt you.” If a guy says to your face he wants to cause you pain, maybe your next step should be RUNNING IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. I’m not judging the BDSM lifestyle, though I know next to nothing about it, but it’s a consensual lifestyle. Everyone is on board. This book isn’t about that. It’s about borderline abuse disguised BDSM so poor, broken Christian Grey can get his rocks off and Ana can try to “fix” him. “So it’s like therapy for you?” No Ana, it’s like abuse.

If the character of Christian Grey wasn’t MoneyBags McPantyMelter and instead was written as some poor slob with a beer gut and mommy issues, women would be APPALLED at this book. But he’s good looking? And rich? And charming to everyone he meets? And rich? And smoldery? And did I mention rich? Oh well then….. FANGIRLSCREAMINSERTEDHERE. Forget the Fortress of Fear that he has behind door number three. He’s goodlooking and adopted so all is forgiven.

Christian Grey: Turning young virgins into sex goddesses in three short weeks!

Christian Grey: Because you can’t possibly not enjoy it.

Christian Grey: Because everyone woman knows that you have mindblowing orgasms multiple times, each and every time you have sex.

Christian Grey: Because this is what we settle for.

For fuck’s sake, women. BE BETTER THAN THIS.

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